Daddy Its Wet Again Sexy Meme
Editors' notation: This commodity was first published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this commodity appears in our 2022 'Love Messages to Texas' collector'south issue.
Common as cornbread, old as dirt, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agricultural past, carrying the resolute spirit and plainspoken humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Almanac; plenty but make us laugh. Nosotros asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and we nowadays as well a sample of other axioms and adages common to the state—a collection of sayings as big as all hell and one-half of Texas.
Acceptable
Information technology's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
That'south close enough for authorities piece of work.
Might besides. Tin't trip the light fantastic toe, never could sing, and information technology's too wet to plow.
I could sit however for that.
You can't trounce that with a stick.
Boastful
He can strut sitting downwards.
He's all chapeau and no cattle.
She's all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced information technology.
Quack
He's on a first-proper name basis with the lesser of the deck.
So crooked that if he swallowed a smash he'd spit up a corkscrew.
So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
He knows more than means to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked every bit a dog'south hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.
So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at dark.
She's more than glace than a pocketful of pudding.
He'due south slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him any further than I can throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God'due south a possum.
You can accept that to the bank.
You can hang your hat on it.
You can bet the farm on information technology.
He's so honest y'all could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, yous can expect nether her fly for the can.
Brave
Dauntless as the first man who ate an oyster.
Brave equally a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
He'south double-backboned.
He's got more than guts than you could hang on a fence.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of water ice water.
Argumentative, Mad
She could starting time a fight in an empty house.
He'd contend with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a clamper nether it.
He'due south the only hell his mama always raised.
He's got his tail up.
She'southward in a horn-tossing mood.
She'southward so contrary she floats upward-stream.
She's dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama'due south apron.
If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He'southward outset cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't bite a biscuit.
He'south xanthous as mustard merely without the bite.
He may not exist a craven, simply he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
And so dry the birds are edifice their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
And so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
And then dry out my duck don't know how to swim.
It's been dry out so long, we only got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah's Flood.
Then dry I'm spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Decorated
He's so busy you lot'd think he was twins.
They're doing a state-part business.
Busy as a 1-legged man at an ass-boot convention.
Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
Busy every bit a one-eyed domestic dog in a smokehouse.
Decorated every bit a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy as a stump-tailed bull in wing flavor.
Busy every bit a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and turn the due south twoscore before breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killing.
She's jumping like hot grease (or h2o) on a skillet.
Panting like a lizard on a hot rock.
No grass growing under her feet.
Unsophisticated
Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
He'south so country he thinks a vii-course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
They lived and then far out in the land that the sun set betwixt their house and boondocks.
Capable, Experienced
She's got some snap in her garters.
He'south got enough of arrows in his quiver.
She's got horse sense.
He's got plenty of notches on his gun.
She's a right smart windmill logroller.
He could find a whisper in a whirlwind.
There'south no slack in her rope.
He's a three-jump cowboy.
He can ride the rough string.
If she crows, the sun is upward.
This ain't my beginning rodeo.
General Advice
Pigs go fatty; hogs get slaughtered.
A worm is the simply animal that can't fall down.
Never sign zippo by neon.
Just because a chicken has wings don't hateful it can fly.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
Y'all tin can't become lard unless yous boil the sus scrofa.
If you cutting your own firewood, it'll warm you twice.
There'south more than one way to pause a dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else's line.
Practise God's will, whatever the hell it may be.
Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
Why shear a sus scrofa?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty play a joke on hunts his own hole.
Quit hollering downwards the pelting.
Don't rile the railroad vehicle master.
Better to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open up information technology and remove all doubt.
The barn door's open up and the mule'southward trying to run. (Your fly's downward.)
Don't get all het upwardly about it.
There'southward a big difference between the ox and the whiffletree.
There's no tree but bears some fruit.
Skin your own buffalo.
You better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule'due south tail can catch cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a inundation.
If you prevarication downwards with dogs, yous become up with fleas.
A lean domestic dog runs fast.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let'south shoot out the lights.
We'll paint the town and the front porch.
Allow's hallelujah the county.
Put the little pot in the big pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll wear my Dominicus-go-to-meeting clothes.
He's all gussied upwards.
Big
Fatty as a boardinghouse true cat.
Fat as a boondocks dog.
She's warm in wintertime, shady in summer.
He don't care what you call him equally long as yous telephone call him to supper.
So large he looks like he ate his brother.
Then big he has to sit downward in shifts.
Big every bit Brewster County.
Big as Dallas.
Big every bit a Brahma bull.
She'd rather milkshake than rattle.
He'due south big enough to bear hunt with a branch.
He's all spread out like a common cold supper.
Wide equally two ax handles.
He'll eat anything that don't eat him first.
Cheap
Tight equally Dick's hatband.
Tight equally a tick.
Tight every bit a clothesline.
Tight as a fiddle string.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight as a wet kick.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll clasp a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has short arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He'southward got a large pigsty in his screen door.
She's one bubble off plumb.
She'due south one brick shy of a load.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
He's a few pickles short of a barrel.
There'southward a light or two burned out on his cord.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch low-cal's on but no one'due south home.
He's lost his vertical hold.
He's overdrawn at the memory bank.
I hear you lot clucking, only I can't detect your nest.
She's got too many cobwebs in the attic.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy as Larrabee'south calf.
Lucky
He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
He always draws the best bull.
He's riding a gravy train with beige wheels.
He could sit on the contend and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In tall cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come to town ii to a mule.
She's got more she can say grace over.
And then rich they tin can swallow fried craven all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He'southward so broke he'south busted all Ten Commandments.
Poor as a lizard-eating true cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate then many armadillos when I was young, I still curlicue up into a brawl when I hear a canis familiaris bark.
Then poor we had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
Poor as sawmill rats.
He'due south broke as a stick horse.
He's too poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won't fifty-fifty end at their door.
So poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
Besides poor to pigment, as well proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot as Hades.
Hot equally the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot equally a depot stove.
Hot as a two-dollar pistol.
Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot equally a pot of neck bones.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a burning stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
Then hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cold
This is hog-killing weather.
At that place's only a strand of spinous wire between hither and there, and information technology's down (after a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger's knee.
Common cold as a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-married woman's heart.
Cold as a cast-fe commode.
Cold as a broker'due south eye.
Common cold equally hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I feel lower than a gopher pigsty.
I feel and then low I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow past the spoonful.
You look like you were sent for and couldn't become.
Sad enough to bring a tear to a glass heart.
He looks like the cheese savage off his cracker.
Small, Thin
She's frying size.
He's knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd take to stand up up to await a rattler in the middle.
Near as big equally the footling cease of naught.
Half as large as a infinitesimal.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Nothing between the horns and hooves but hide.
Thin every bit a bar'due south ear.
Thin as a gnat's whisker.
Thin as shop-bought thread.
Thin every bit Depression soup.
Thin as a fiddle string.
Sparse as a rake and twice as sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Scarce-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to make a shadow.
Then skinny you could give her a Big Cherry-red and use her as a thermometer.
And then skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He's such a liar he'd beat you senseless and tell God you brutal off a horse.
He was built-in lamentable.
He'due south so low he'd steal the widow's ax.
He'd steal his mama's egg coin.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma's grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a dead man's eyes.
No-account fellow.
Biting every bit gall.
Tough every bit nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough as whang.
Mean as a mama wasp.
Friendly equally a bramble bush-league.
She makes a hornet look cuddly.
A she-behave in satin.
Rough as a cob.
He looks similar a sheep-killing domestic dog.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his ain mama's fleas.
He's got horns belongings up his halo.
We're not on borrowing terms.
Y'all're and so low you accept to look up to run into hell.
He's then depression you couldn't put a rug nether him.
He jumped on me with all 4 feet.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me like white on rice.
He tin blow out the lamp and jump into bed before it gets dark.
He gets there in i-half less than no fourth dimension.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast every bit greased lightning.
Fast equally pocket-size-town gossip.
Faster than a prairie burn down with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house afire.
Hell-bent for leather.
Any faster and he'd catch upward to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Strong
His breath's then strong yous could hang out the washing on it.
That coffee's so strong it'll put hair on your chest.
Coffee and then strong information technology'll walk into your loving cup.
Coffee so strong it'll heighten a blood blister on a boot.
He's and then strong he makes Samson look sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Wait what the true cat dragged in.
Visitor's coming; add a cup of h2o to the soup.
Nosotros've howdied but we haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let's chaw the rag.
Divergence/Skillful-goodbye
Let's light a shuck.
It'south time to oestrus up the bricks.
It's time to put the chairs in the wagon.
It'due south fourth dimension to bandy spit and hitting the road.
It'due south time to put out the fire and phone call in the dogs.
He's heading for the wagon yard.
Let'south blow this pop stand.
That about puts the rag on the bush.
Church building is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot volition cool if greedy will let it.
Take a potato and await.
Don't go your panties in a wad.
Wash off your war paint.
Tired
Looks like she'due south been chewed upwards, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put abroad wet.
She looks like chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser's os.
I was built-in tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
I bike down and the axle dragging.
I'm near nigh past going.
Sick
He'southward got a hitch in his gitalong.
Ill as a dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'm and then sick I'd have to become better to die.
Sore as a eddy.
Her hopper'due south disrepair.
As full of pains as an erstwhile window.
I've got the light-green apple tree nasties.
He looks like decease warmed over.
And then sick he needs two beds.
Sad every bit a three-legged dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He'southward got a 10-gallon mouth.
She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb drained.
She's got natural language plenty for ten rows of teeth.
She beats her ain gums to death.
He blew in on his own air current.
He's a alive lexicon.
He's a chin musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a natural language.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut up like a boardinghouse pit.
Grinning like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous as a fly in the glue pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She's chewing her scrap.
Circumspection
You were too hard to raise to take chances.
Don't dig up more snakes than you can kill.
Whistle before you lot walk into a stranger's military camp.
Don't plow too close to the cotton.
A expressionless snake tin can still bite.
A dead bee can still sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Even a blind hog can find an acorn in one case in a while.
Anytime you happen to pass my firm, I'd sure appreciate it.
What did you exercise with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Fifty-fifty the chickens under the porch know that.
You scent like you want to be left lone.
Go peddle your own produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If y'all break your leg, don't come running to me.
Whatever greases your wagon.
Trouble
Got a big hole in the debate.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong railroad vehicle.
They hung the wrong horse thief.
He ripped his britches.
There'due south a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Fourth dimension
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the wind.
Hollering downwards a well.
Vain
He broke his arm patting himself on the back.
He thinks the sun comes upward just to hear him crow.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She's so spoiled table salt couldn't save her.
She's so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Boozer/Drinking
He wasn't built-in, just squeezed out of a bartender's rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging drunk.
Drunkard every bit Cooter Chocolate-brown.
Drunkard every bit a skunk.
Don't chop whatsoever forest tonight; Daddy'due south coming home with a load.
Tighter than bark on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, knee-walking drunk.
Desolate
Looks similar hell with anybody out to lunch.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard bait.
He gave up his guitar for a harp.
He ate a bitter pill.
Unwelcome
As welcome as an egg-sucking dog.
Every bit welcome as an outhouse breeze.
Every bit welcome as screwworm.
As welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
As welcome equally a wet shoe.
As welcome every bit a tornado on a trail drive.
Like shooting fish in a barrel
No colina for a stepper.
Slick as a whistle.
Like shooting fish in a barrel as pie.
Hard
Like trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Piece of cake every bit pissing up a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather or his raising.
He got defenseless in his own loop.
He came close to the dollar knife.
Smart
Bright as a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart as a whip.
Impaired
If a duck had his encephalon, it would fly north for the winter.
He doesn't take enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was salary, he wouldn't even sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Impaired as dirt.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Dumb as a barrel of hair.
Dumb as a post.
Dumb as a railroad vehicle bicycle.
Dumb as a prairie dog.
Dumb as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know plenty to pound sand down a rat hole.
He can't ride and chew at the same fourth dimension.
And so stupid if you put his brains in a bumblebee, it'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
He don't know which end'southward upward.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know zippo from nothing.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a brain, it'd die of loneliness.
So thick-headed you tin can hit him in the face with a tire iron and he won't yell till morning.
He could screw up an anvil.
Beat
He gave me the wire-brush treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch you bald-headed.
I'll whip yous like a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock y'all plumb into next week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He'south been saucered and blowed.
He sure cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face fixed for.
Like hugging a rose bush.
Cipher to write home near.
That dog won't hunt.
I'd just as soon bite a issues.
I don't cotton to it.
Confused
Confused as a goat on AstroTurf.
My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn't run across what I was saying.
I tin can explain it to you, simply I can't understand it for you lot.
He ran 'em around the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones's.
Immoral, Wild
They call her "radio station" considering anyone can option her up, especially at nighttime.
He's wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose every bit ashes in the wind.
Loose as a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her sheet for a tablecloth.
He was built-in on the wrong side of the blanket.
She's found a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper before they said grace.
They planted their ingather earlier they built their debate.
They're hitched but non churched.
They've got a cotton fiber-patch license.
Significant
She's got a bun in the oven.
She'south sitting on the nest.
She's got ane in the chute.
She'southward been storked.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn't know a bit from a butt.
Y'all don't live longer in the city; it simply seems that way.
Noisy
Noisy as ii skeletons dancing on a can roof.
Noisy as a restless mule in a tin barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Granddad's Dominicus tie.
He called his hogs all night. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall upwards a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farming he couldn't raise Cain.
He couldn't hit the floor if he fell out of bed.
Handy every bit hip pockets on a hog.
Worthless every bit teats on a bull.
Worthless equally a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing competition in a brewery.
Useless as two buggies in a one-horse town.
He could screw up a ii-motorcar funeral.
Tie a quarter to information technology and throw information technology away, and you can say yous lost something.
He's got no more chance than a June issues in the chicken coop.
He'south a day belatedly and a dollar brusque.
He tin can't win for losing.
He's sucking hind teat.
I need that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She's itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why close the barn door after the horses are out?
No more good than an eyeless needle.
Like warming up leftover snowfall.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Like sugariness-talking the water out of the well.
Good, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than infant's jiff.
Sweeter than an erstwhile maid's dream.
He took to you like a hog to persimmons.
He took to you like a fish to water.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy equally a clam at high tide.
Happy as a squealer in mud.
Safe as Granny's snuffbox.
Fair to middling.
Pert as a cricket.
Soft as a two-minute egg.
All wool and a g wide.
I'm cooking on a front burner today.
If I felt whatsoever better, I'd drop my harp plumb through the cloud.
If I felt any better, I'd think it was a setup.
Fatty and sassy.
All sweet and light.
This is so good it'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine as frog fur.
Fine equally dollar cotton fiber.
Fine as boomtown silk.
Fine as foam gravy.
The porch light is ever burning.
Long every bit I got a beige, you got half.
Distance
Down the road a slice.
A fur piece.
Turn left past yonder.
I won't say information technology'due south far, but I had to grease the wagon twice earlier I hitting the master road.
2 hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more frequently than Mama's washing.
He's like a cicatrice—he doesn't show up till the work's all washed.
Shy
Shy as a mail-order bride.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy as sapphires.
Nighttime
As dark as the inside of a wolf.
Dark as coffin air.
Dark as a pocket.
Night as a moo-cow.
Dark equally a blueish norther.
Dark as the devil'south riding boots.
Night as truck-stop java.
Handy
Handy as sliced bread.
Handy as shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Scarce
Scarce as hen's teeth.
Deficient every bit grass around a hog trough.
Deficient as pelting barrels.
Dull (every bit a pocketknife)
You could ride all the style to Big Spring on it and never carve up a hair.
Information technology wouldn't cut hot butter.
You could scratch your dorsum with information technology and never depict blood.
Wearisome (boring)
Every bit exciting as waiting for paint to dry.
As heady as a mashed-potato sandwich.
As much fun as chopping wood.
Dull equally Henry'southward bone.
Miscellaneous
Independent as a hog on ice.
I don't know you from Adam's off ox.
Thick as the dew on Dixie.
Thick equally fleas on a farm dog.
That's ii different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come up hell or high water.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
I don't care if it harelips the governor.
Serious as the business end of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He'due south so dull he could gain weight walking.
Out like Lottie's eye.
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Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
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